Day Three

shadow man

Image: jimharold.com

The worms are back, eating me inside. I can feel them nibbling, inside my back, my right side, feasting on my flesh, my organs.

They’re doing something to my skin. I itch all the time, especially when I’m trying to sleep.

Sleep seems hopeless. I lie awake at night scratching and worrying and feeling myself being nibbled away at. When I feel myself about to drift off, my wife tells me to stop snoring. Then I can’t sleep.

I go out to the sofa. It’s an old sofa. It endured our children growing up. Now it sags and endures me. It’s no use.

I get up and try to read, do something productive. That’s when I realize how tired I am. How I wish I was asleep. I can’t concentrate.

I try to talk to God, but my mind wanders. I read the Bible earlier when my mind was clearer. Glad of that because now when I try, I end up reading the same verse over and over again.

At least the horrible hollow feeling in the middle of my chest finally went away. I thank Him for that. It was driving me crazy. Now everything else is driving me crazy.

Oh no! I fell asleep but now it’s time to wake up. Just five more minutes, please. No! I’ll be late for work, and that means staying at work late, and that means dealing with more traffic on the commute home.

But what’s at home except the constant reminders that I haven’t been doing everything I should, that we have money problems, that I’m not doing enough, that it’s all my fault.

She says it isn’t, that I just enjoy suffering and making her suffer.

How do I break out of this?

I wish the worms would stop eating me. I wish they’d let me sleep. Maybe if I could sleep, I’d feel better, have clearer thoughts, be more optimistic.

The only peace I have is at night, at least from the rest of the world, but that’s when the damn worms bother me the most. Maybe like the hollowness in my chest, they’ll finally go away too and I won’t be in pain anymore.

I ask God to help me make it through another night and day. The Sun isn’t up yet but I am. I talk to God. I ask him to make day four better than day three.

“Either you leave the darkness behind or be consumed by it.” -Unknown

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