Strolling around the DVD section of my local public library yesterday, I decided to finally check out the 2022 movie Thor: Love and Thunder. It had the benefit of me not having to pay to see the film.

I have now joined the vast legion of people (online anyway) who’ve gone on record as hating, detesting, and loathing this movie. I almost shut off the DVD at the 12 minute mark and then again at 15. However, I forced myself to watch it just so I could render some sort of opinion.

The only Marvel movie I did stop watching at about a third of the way through was Eternals (2021). I even managed to make it all the way through The Marvels (2023) before totally panning it.

Honestly, if this is the best Director Taika Waititi can do, he can stop making films right now (alas, he hasn’t).

The story starts on a barren planet where a man Gorr (Christian Bale) and his young daughter (played by Chris Hemsworth’s daughter India Rose Hemsworth) are dying. Gorr prays to his god for deliverance which does not arrive. Instead, his daughter dies.

Gorr then spies an oasis not far off and arriving, ravenously consumes some of its fruit and water. He is criticized by the personification of his “god” who then mocks Gorr’s faith and says that there is no eternal reward. Dead is just dead.

This god Rapu (Jonny Brugh) says he and his fellows had just managed to slay a being who came with the Necrosword, which can kill any god. As Rapu is about to strangle Gorr, the sword “chooses” him and Gorr dispatches his god. He then vows to kill all the gods of the universe for whatever reason and the stage is set.

Oh, I should say the character of Korg (voiced by the aforementioned Taika Waititi) is narrating all of this, including flashbacks into Thor’s life, to a bunch of children.

Meanwhile, Thor (Chris Hemsworth) is quietly meditating trying to come to terms with himself while the Guardians of the Galaxy are fighting a losing battle trying to defend some helpless aliens and their temple.

He is roused by Peter Quill (Chris Pratt) and reluctantly joins the fray. While easily defeating the enemy, he is abysmally careless, ultimately destroying the temple, which is now “godless” thanks to Gorr. He’s gifted with a couple of giant, supernatural goats before being bidden to leave by the now surly aliens.

The Guardians get thousands of distress calls from all over the galaxy saying that the “gods” of each planet are being murdered. Thor sees that one of them is his fellow Asgardian Sif (Jaimie Alexander) and rushes off (after a ridiculous and lengthy farewell to Peter) to save her.

I know that some part of Thor’s presentation is meant to be humorous as he tries to understand the mortal world. I also know the best of the Thor movies, in my opinion, was Thor: Ragnarok (2017) which had a better balance of humor and action. It was also the only movie up to that point that favorably presented both Thor and the Hulk (Mark Ruffalo) onscreen individually since of all the Avengers, these two had the hardest time sustaining movies as single characters.

Anyway, Thor unintentionally teases Sif who has lost an arm but is still alive. She wants him to leave her so she can die in battle and earn a place in Valhalla. Thor says that won’t work because she’s still alive but her now detached arm might be in Valhalla. I mean what a thing to say to a woman who has lost a desperate fight as well as her arm?

The movie goes downhill from there.

Jane Foster (Natalie Portman) returns as Jane Foster and has stage four cancer. No cure. She’s going to die. In a flashback, when Thor and Jane were still an item, he commanded his hammer Mjolnir to protect her. It took him seriously.

Jane travels to New Asgard, a sleepy little village on Earth populated by supernatural beings which has also become a tourist destination, and finds the pieces of the hammer now on display in a glass case. They can’t be moved because only someone worthy of ruling Asgard can move them.

So why didn’t “King” Valkyrie (Tessa Thompson) move them since she is literally the monarch of New Asgard, that is, unless she’s a leader but still unworthy?

The hammer has called to Jane and reassembles itself (after having been shattered by Hela in “Thor: Ragnarok”), giving her the power of “The Mighty Thor,” albeit in female form.

It should be noted that it doesn’t get rid of her cancer and in fact, every time she uses the power, the cancer advances, so instead of protecting Jane, the hammer is killing her. I guess the writers couldn’t find a way to resolve that one.

Thor becomes involved when Gorr and his creatures attack New Asgard. Along with Jane/Thor, they repel the threat, but not before Gorr has kidnapped all the children. It’s a trap, of course, as Gorr is on his way to a celestial being called Eternity (originally created by Steve Ditko and Stan Lee for a 1965 Doctor Strange story) to be granted the wish of destroying all the gods at once.

Thor goes through jealousy that Mjolnir is now with Jane and not with him while his current weapon Stormbreaker becomes jealous of Thor and Mjolnir (I kid you not).

To get the kids back, Thor, Jane, and Val travel to Omnipotence City, a secret location where all the gods live in splendor and decadence. Thor appeals to Zeus who binds him and strips him naked (Zeus’ handmaidens immediately faint from sexual overload).

It is funny when Zeus threatens to rip off Jane’s and Val’s disguises that they abruptly reveal themselves rather than be tied up nude as well, but that’s one o the few times when a joke actually worked in this movie.

Zeus refuses because most mythical gods suffer from the same failings as people. Our trio steal Zeus’ lightning bolt after supposedly killing Zeus, and leave for the shadow realm in pursuit of Gorr and the children.

Anyway, yada, yada, yada. Fights, sappy interludes, seeming victories, and tragic defeats.

Gorr is eventually stopped and the children freed, but not before Jane uses the hammer one last time to save Thor and is about to perish.

The sword destroyed, Gorr is powerless but he’s reached Eternity and can make his wish. Thor is holding a dying Jane in his arms. They manage to convince him that love is the only thing anyone wishes for and that killing the gods won’t do any good.

Gorr wishes his daughter back alive as he himself is dying. Jane vanishes in a stream of golden light and ends up in Valhalla greeted by Heimdall (Idris Elba). So there is an eternal reward after all, but only if you’re a valiant warrior who has died in battle.

Thor becomes guardian of Gorr’s daughter and they settle comfortably into domestic life (this kid should be an emotional wreck) as a Father and daughter team using their superpowers (why does she have superpowers?) to defend the weak against evil aliens.

By the way, Zeus survives and sends his son Hercules played by Brett Goldstein (a Greek god played by a Jew?) after Thor in the mid-credits scene.

Oy.

It was like watching a live-action cartoon and not a good one. Even with the tragic elements included, I couldn’t take the movie seriously. Boo hoo, Jane is dead and the alien little girl lost her daddy and her planet.

I may not have spent a dime on this turkey, but it cost me two hours of my life I can never get back.