“Jemmy, who’s this bloody tart sitting in my chair?”

“That you, Danno?”

She was calling from the bedroom. Dan had come home high as usual. Having closed the door behind him after spending three minutes just getting the key in the lock, he was leaning back against it so he wouldn’t fall over.

“Yeah, Luv. I say though, who’s the bird sitting in my chair looking like she wants to cut off me neither bits?

“It’s a bloke.”

“Looks like a bird to me, giving off a sort of angry Grace Jones vibe. What, you bringing home transvestite hookers, now?”

Dan laughed frantically as if it were someone else who’d told the joke and he found it fantastically funny.

“Didn’t figure you’d be home for another thirty minutes and knew you’d be too loaded and knackered to do the ol’ in and out.”

He stopped looking at “Grace Jones,” and turned indignantly toward the open bedroom door almost losing his balance in the process. “Who’s too loaded for a bit of the ol’ in and out? I can…” Danno started to move away from the door, staggered, and then fell back half on the door and half on the wall for support.

“Say, Phoebes. Would you mind showing him? I’m almost done in here.”

“Sure, Jemmy. Glad to.”

Phoebes stood well over six feet tall. Her skin was a deep brown, almost to the point of seeming purple. Her mini-skirt was the exact same shade as the color violet in a box of crayons whilst her blouse was a bright fuchsia. In spite of her natural height, she was wearing a pair of three-inch platform shoes that could have stepped out of 1974.

The swing of her hips was exaggerated as she sauntered over to Danno, who now found it impossible to look away from her.

“Hey now, Luv. Whatcha have in mind there, Dearie?” He hadn’t been this nervous around a bloke, or babe, or whatever Phoebes was in a long time.

Phoebes towered over Danno by a good eight inches and stood looking down. She could see the little man tremble. Then she violently clutched him in both arms pressing her lips against his and driving her tongue into his mouth deeply. He felt like he was suffocating and then a rough hand grabbed his genitals and squeezed.

When she let go, Danno collapsed like a discarded puppet and ended up sitting on the floor.

“You’re right, Jemmy. Limp as a boiled noodle and a wee one at that.” Phoebes’s baritone laugh made Danno’s head ache.

He was licking his lips and running his tongue inside of his mouth. “Mmmmm. Sex and candy.” Then he raised his voice. “Say, Jemmy. Does she do that better than me?”

Jemmy strode purposely out of the bedroom dressed in an overcoat and carrying a suitcase. She gazed down with disdain at Danno. “Much.” Then he looked back up at Phoebes. “You know what to do so do it.”

“Gladly.” The large transvestite grabbed Danno by his collar and dragged him across the room to the sofa. With a grunt, she lifted him high enough to deposit him like a sack of garbage onto the largest piece of furniture the couple owned beside their bed.

“Since you might miss this, I’ll spell it out for you.” Jemmy had opened the door to the flat having put her suitcase on the floor first. “I’m leaving you. I’ve had it with you, you’re being out of work, always your hand in my pocket…what the hell did I ever see in you in the first place?”

“I…I made you laugh.”

“Well you’re not funny anymore.” Jemmy looked expectantly at Phoebes.

“It’ll look like an accident. You’re away visiting Mum for a week. He turned on the oven to bake a pot pie but then passed out. Oven overheats and starts a fire. I made sure the smoke detectors have dead batteries, so before you can say ‘Bob’s your Uncle,’ you collect the million.”

“Oh yeah, you forgot that part didn’t you?” Jemmy was sneering at him as Phoebes rolled up his sleeve. “The last place you worked…you know, the life insurance policy? I’ve been paying the premiums. You die in an accident and its double indemnity, which means I get two million pounds instead of one.”

Danno felt a sharp prick on the inside of his left arm and looked down. Phoebes had just finished shooting him up with something.

“Everyone knows you’re a druggie, Danno. No one will bat a bloody eye at how you stupidly killed yourself.”

Phoebes stood and walked over to Jemmy. “Ready to go?”

“I’ve never been more ready. Let’s blow this bait shack.”

Phoebes walked past Jemmy and out the door.

“Bye you bloody muppet. Oh it won’t hurt. You’ll be passed out when the fire gets to you.”

Danno’s vision was beginning to blur as he watched the door slam shut and heard Jemmy lock it.

“The oven.” He rolled off the sofa and managed to stay up on his hands and knees. He tried to stand but only got halfway up before falling forward again.

Their oven had always been dodgy and whenever Jemmy used it, she had to be right in the kitchen as it had a tendency to smoke. Bloody landlord. They complained about it but he never got off his lazy ass to fix it or call a repairman.

Danno was on his belly dragging himself across the threshold of the kitchen. If he could turn off the oven, the fire wouldn’t start. He was reaching up or was it just a dream? He tasted sex and candy and thought he smelled lemonade. Maybe a bit of cherry pie. Was that the last thing Jemmy baked?

“Sir. Say there. Can you hear me?”

He had a god awful headache. Would somebody shut off the bloody siren.

“Can you hear me?”

“Wha?”

Danno opened his eyes and a face started to come into focus.

“I say, we’re nearly at hospital, mate. Can you tell me what you’re on?”

“On?”

“Yeah. You shot up something. It’ll help if the doctor knows what and how much.”

“Phoebes.”

“What? What’s Phoebes?”

That was three months ago. Danno wished he could have convinced Jemmy that he died, but there was no way. He’d managed to get the oven turned off but not before it started smoking again. Their landlord was bloody useless, but last year, he had the smoke detector system wired so it would run on the main electric circuit. Only needed batteries to go off if there was a power outage. Bastard had to comply with the new city code or get his stingy ass fined.

He hadn’t used since the day he’d gotten out of hospital. Swore up and down he was through with the booze and drugs so his brother would take him in. Jemmy would be furious she couldn’t collect and the only reason that damned Phoebes wouldn’t have left her by now, was that they had too much on each other, attempted murder and all that.

His life had pretty much gone in the pisser since he’d gotten out of the service. Two tours in bloody Afghanistan in the Royal Marines. He couldn’t hold down a job for very long after that. Booze and then the weed got out of hand. He didn’t blame Jemmy for finding someone else and leaving him. But Danno did blame her plenty for trying to kill him for the life insurance money.

He had plenty of mates from the old days who could hook him up with firearms, explosives, anything he wanted, anything he needed to track down that betraying murderous bitch so he could take her and that transvestite whore out of this world in the most painful and humiliating way possible.

******

“Sex and Candy” – Performed by Marcy Playground

Hangin’ round downtown by myself
And I had so much time
To sit and think about myself
And then there she was
Like double cherry pie
Yeah there she was
Like disco superfly

I smell sex and candy here
Who’s that lounging in my chair
Who’s that casting devious stares
In my direction

Mama this surely is a dream
Yeah mama this surely is a dream
Yeah mama this surely is a dream

Hangin’ round downtown by myself
And I had too much caffeine
And I was thinkin’ ’bout myself
And then there she was

In platform double suede
Yeah there she was
Like disco lemonade

I smell sex and candy here
Who’s that lounging in my chair
Who’s that casting devious stares
In my direction

Mama this surely is a dream
Yeah mama this surely is a dream
Yeah mama this surely is a dream

I smell sex and candy here
Who’s that lounging in my chair
Who’s that casting devious stares
In my direction

Mama this surely is a dream
Yeah mama this surely is a dream
Yeah mama this surely is a dream
Yeah mama this must be my dream

“Sex and Candy” as written by John K. Wozniak

Lyrics © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc.

Sex and Candy performed on YouTube.

I wrote this for the Song Lyric Sunday Theme for 31 December 2017 hosted at This Thing Called Life by Helen Vahdati. The theme is a song lyric mentioning “sugar/candy.”

I agonized over this for about an hour. Most people responding to Helen’s Song Lyric Challenge post the lyrics and a YouTube video for their selected song, but I like the challenge of creating an original story based on the theme. I tried all the “sugar/candy” lyrics and they were too…well, sweet for me.

Then I hit upon “Sex and Candy,” and it took a lot of creativity not to stray into the R or X-rated zone.

Hopefully, I managed a solid PG-13 or maybe NC-17.

I know it’s different. I hope you like it.