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Yes, last night I was so bored I watched Meg 2: The Trench (2023) starring Jason Statham, Jing Wu and Shuya Sophia Cai.

I watched and reviewed the original back in 2018 (and I previously read the book upon which it was based). It was “okay,” no great film, but a way to kill a couple of hours if you’ve got nothing better to do.

That’s pretty much the same summary for “2.” Keep in mind that in any logical, scientific, or historical sense, the events in these movies don’t work. They are present for their shock and delight value (who doesn’t wish that the biggest, toughest shark in all of history would show up, just once?).

Statham, who not only starred in this movie but produced it, admitted that as long as the franchise makes money, they’ll keep making “Meg” movies. That’s about it. No other message involved. It’s refreshing.

This time it’s not one or even two Megs we’re dealing with, and it’s not just Megs.

The movie opens up around eight years after the original. Meiying is now 14 years old and with her mother and Grandfather having died in the first film, she’s being raised by Jonas Taylor (Statham) and her uncle Jiuming Zhang (Jing Wu).

The Meg baby introduced in the first movie is now a full grown female and still in captivity in a reserve in Hainan. Jiuming has named her Haiqi and believes she is trainable. Jonas thinks he’s nuts.

This time, Jonas isn’t the only character in the movie who does the impossible on a regular basis. Jiuming has more lives than nine cats and gets away with taking risks that would kill ten men on each occasion. I kept waiting for this guy to die tragically, but he didn’t cooperate.

The movie is predictable, especially when Meiying stows away aboard one of two dive craft which are once again exploring the Mariana Trench from the Mana One platform on the surface.

It’s explained that Haiqi has been acting strangely for a week and while the dive is about to take place, she escapes her cage with ridiculous ease and without anyone noticing (in spite of her size and apparently there was no electronic surveillance of the Meg, even though we later find out she’s got a transmitter tag).

The two subs with Jonas, Jiuming and their teams on board go below the thermocline while being monitored by Mac (Cliff Curtis), Jess (Skyler Samuels) and DJ (Page Kennedy) on the platform.

They detect Haiqi approaching. Not only is she a really fast swimmer but she miraculously knows where the trench and thermocline are even though she’s never been there before. Maybe she’s like a salmon.

Even though the only thing keeping the Megs and other prehistoric monsters in the deeps is the thermocline, Haiqi passes right through it.

A number of things are discovered. The first is a whole bunch of Megs and these loners are congregating to mate. I guess Haiqi was in “heat” and needed a boyfriend super fast.

They also find a hidden undersea station in the trench. Montes (Sergio Peris-Mencheta) is monitoring mining operations from a nearby submarine and notices they have company. Jonas put him in prison at the end of the first movie and although he saw him again at a social event, didn’t recognize him. If he had, that would have been a big clue that the institute they’re all working for is up to no good.

Montes sets off a series of bombs that were to be used to hide their illegal operations, killing his confederates who were diving at the time, just to get Jonas.

It almost works but Montes’ sub is damaged in the process.

Jiuming’s sub is presumed destroyed in a landslide that has trapped Jonas’ sub.

On the surface, Mac orders the rescue sub to be launched. Jess tells him it’s been deliberately sabotaged and cannot be repaired.

Jonas manages to reestablish contact with Mana One to find this out. There is no rescuer coming.

They are all carrying Iron Man-like exosuits that will enable them to survive on the ocean floor, even at a depth of 25,000 feet. They start walking toward the station with barely enough oxygen to make it. Along the way, they find Jiuming who had the same idea (another fantastic escape on his part).

On the surface, Mac and DJ discover that all of the surveillance tapes have been erased. Mac says there’s a satellite backup and he’ll be in the server room trying to pull it down. He wants one of the three of them to be in the command center at all times. Jess take the duty.

Montes has survived the explosion and is repairing his sub. At this point, we find out that Jess is the traitor and Montes’ lover. The administrative head of the institute Driscoll (Sienna Guillory) is the criminal mastermind behind the whole thing and they all stand to make billions from the rare earths being mined.

But if Driscoll knew the dive teams were going to discover their mining operation, why didn’t she think of an excuse to postpone the dive for a few days or a few weeks? Montes was going to blow the place anyway when they were done. Later, this is played off as a chance to kill Jonas, but it’s damned clumsy writing.

Lance (Felix Mayr) is the first underwater walker to go. He was basically useless and predictable monster fodder. As a bunch of Megs and other creepy crawlies attack, the party makes it to the station, but Sal (Kiran Sonia Sawar) and Curtis (Whoopie Van Raam) don’t make it either. It’s all horrible and sad and all that.

Anyway…

The station is deserted, but our heroes find out what’s being mined. They eventually make their way to the other end where the escape pods are. Montes meanwhile pilots his damaged sub to the station and docks unawares.

Jess reveals herself as the villain and remotely launches one of the two escape pods before anyone can get inside. She tells Rigas (Melissanthi Mahut) she’ll let Meiying get in the remaining one if she’ll shoot Jonas in the chest. Typically selfless, Jonas is ready to give his life to save the girl. Rigas comes within a heartbeat, but can’t do it.

Oops. Evil Jess releases the other pod and starts flooding the compartment. Jonas can still get out the airlock, but only into the ocean. I don’t care what kind of bullshit fake science they try to pull, going outside at that depth is instant death.

He makes it to another airlock and gets in with the plan of releasing the doors  of the flooding chamber from the outside. He’s jumped by Montes and there’s a fierce fight. Jonas is almost killed but overcomes Montes at the last moment. After he disappears, Jonas releases the door and our gang escapes.

The plan is to use Montes’ sub to escape to the surface. Remember, no one on the surface knows that Jess is the traitor. Station lights on to attract the Megs, Jiuming again defies death, and the sub rises.

Montes in his suit gets outside and uses some sort of lame ass buoy to ascend.

The big explosions blew a temporary hole in the thermocline which is what fuels the climactic action later in the movie.

On the surface Mac finally finds out Jess is evil and tells DJ. In the original movie, DJ was comic relief. He couldn’t swim, couldn’t fight, but was too funny to kill. This time, he says he’s taken martial arts classes, learned to swim, learned to shoot, and is badass but still funny.

Evil Driscoll has called in a bunch of thugs in helicopters to “clean up” the platform. They arrive just as Jonas and the others do.

Lots of confusing running around, shooting, fighting, being captured, escaping, and so on. Three Megs, a big octopus, and a bunch of little amphibious dinosaurs we saw 65 million years ago make it out before the thermocline closes.

The dinos in question are about the size of really big dogs or really small ponies. They’re called “Snappers” and they can exist 25,000 feet underwater but also walk around on land. I’m calling BS on that one, but it’s in the movie.

At least one Meg is swimming around the platform. Montes manages to float to the surface right where he needs to be and reunites with Jess just as she declares the platform Meg proof, and just as a Meg effortlessly crashes through a really big window and eats her.

Now Montes is really mad.

Mac and DJ are reunited with Jonas and company. They steal an inflatable boat and make for the nearest land which is a resort called “Fun Island.”

The bad guys in helicopters follow as do the Megs and all the other wildlife. Of course in the latter’s case, that doesn’t make sense. These animals have the whole ocean to plunder. Given the size of the Megs, you’d think they’d be deep sea feeders since they need really big prey. Same for the giant octopus.

But nope.

The original movie had killer Megs at a resort island venue as well, so this is more or less a repeat only bigger, which is how sequels work. Add to this that the Snappers can go on land, so being out of the water doesn’t mean you’re safe.

Boss lady Driscoll wants to see the final kill and so is flown to the island herself. Bad mistake.

Jonas takes out two of the three Megs with nothing but a jet ski and a couple of exploding spears, all while Montes is trying to kill him. Jiuming kills the octopus with a bomb which is about the 53rd time in the movie he escapes certain death. Rigas goes through DJ’s emergency backpack and finds all of his survival gear including about twenty condoms which he says are for “a different kind of emergency.”

Meiying puts herself in various kinds of danger requiring rescue. After the Snappers kill a bunch of the thugs and boss lady, Mac and DJ manage to lift off in their helicopter as the fuel line is still attached pumping gas into the tank. As they’re facing off in their final showdown, Jonas kicks Montes into the mouth of a Meg just as it makes a close pass.

Like I said, you can’t take this film too seriously. Lots of action and lots of ridiculous circumstances.

Bottom line is that all of the bad people die and all of the bad animals die…almost.

Haiqi almost eats Jiuming again, but she pops out of mating madness just in time and goes after a bunch of dolphins instead.

All is right in the world. Rescue helicopters arrive to clean up the mess. Haiqi is still out in the open ocean and might be pregnant, but that’s a story for the next sequel…if this movie makes enough money.

The end.

It may not be a great film or great writing, but it doesn’t insult the fans by beating them over the head with needless representation or race or gender swapping. It doesn’t blame any of the bad reviews on sexism, misogyny, racism, the patriarchy, or other such nonsense. It’s a two hour adrenaline rush that doesn’t require a lot of brain cells or social justice awareness to enjoy.

Like I said, I probably wouldn’t have watched it if I wasn’t bored. The time was still better spent than if I’d chosen The Marvels or even Barbie.